Regaining My Humanity
by Jersey Wolf
Summary: AU, Tom's spending more time with Jackie, and finds that he's bothered by his behavior around her. Determined to make the uneasiness go away he decides to do something drastic and maybe helpful. TomxJackie, because y'all should have seen it coming.


**Author's Note:** Not much to say her you guys. Um...look, it's got plot. For real. Also, my biology major brain does not know what emotions are and decides to cut things out that it deems unnecessary. Whatever. Read this thing or something, but I HIGHLY suggest that if you'd like to get something out of this you read "Fairytales Are Laughable", "Knocking", and "Something 'Bout Stiffness" first if you want any of this to make sense.

Jackie's face twisted into her lopsided grin as she watched the glowing screen in the darkness of the apartment. She and Tom were staying at her place for the night since it was Sebs' "off time". Not that either of them really minded. Sebs did a lot to help, and he deserved a break every so often. Tom was well aware that he had a tiring personality and that anyone would need a break from it from time to time. Besides, he and Jackie enjoyed their time together, and they couldn't complain when they were offered more of it. Friends enjoyed each other's company. That was how it was supposed to work.

Tom had suggested they watch a funny movie, one he knew Jackie liked, but he had no intention of watching the film itself. In fact it really was of no interest to him at all. He wanted to watch her. To see her smile and to hear her laugh. To see her happy. To make just one person happy for once in his life. He wanted so badly to make her happy since the moment he first saw her all those months ago even if he hadn't quite known how to express it then, and he also hadn't really understood what it was he had wanted (_feels__ like__ so __long __ago_), but the _Incident_ had left him cautious and ever wary. Unwilling to step out of his comfort zone and onto the ice for fear of breaking it and drowning in familiar waters of pain. It hurt though, either way. Goodness knows it hurt like crazy holding himself back because of his fear. A fear of himself and all he knew he was capable of, or was at least capable of at some point.

Tom didn't just do it for himself though. Not at all. He was doing it for her, and he'd be damned if he would allow himself to be such a burden upon her or to hurt her in any way. He'd already hurt enough people with his actions. Of that he was keenly aware as he was about many things. _I__'__ve __hurt __so__ many __fucking__ people._ The thought made Tom's heart sink down into his stomach, making him feel sick. He shifted his gaze away back to the TV screen to distract himself, but found himself glancing over at Jackie again.

They were friends and just that. Affectionate friends that would support each other, talk and joke when things were rough, but go beyond a hug or an innocent nap on the couch and things could get muddy, mixed up, and confused. _And__ I__'__m __already__ confused__ enough._ That was when the memories of the night even longer ago (_It__'__s __been__ years. __How__'__d__ that__ happen?_) than his first meeting with Jackie would spring up from the recesses of his mind and block such closeness from happening. It was not allowed. It was taboo. _You__ know __better__ than __to __let__ your __emotions __show. __Look__ at __what__ happened __last__ time._ Bad people could only do so much. Could only be allowed so much. _And __I__'__m __a__ very__ bad__ person._

Still, as he watched her he realized that he couldn't care less about all the red tape and warning flags of his subconscious when it came to such things. This woman had started to pull apart the pieces of the wall he had built around his heart for fear of it being broken again. For fear of the harsh judgment an outsider would impose upon it. Only now did he feel it and know that Jackie was standing amongst the ruins of this wall, face to face with his heart, and she was not cruel to it. She was patient with it. Gave it space when it needed it even when her own heart wanted to be close. _But __I __can__'__t__ let__ you__ in.__ I__ can__'__t__ let__ you__ stay. __It__'__s __dangerous__ in__ there._

Tom had seen the disappointment on her face each time he refused a caring touch or a gentle whisper. Guilt gnawed at his insides as he figured out that in not wanting to cause this woman pain he was causing her a different kind of pain. _The__ kind__ pills__ can__'__t__ get__ rid__ of._ The pain of yearning for someone and caring deeply for someone but knowing deep down that they would not return your feelings. It was a pain Tom knew all too well, and he cringed at the thought that he was inflicting it upon another person.

Problem was that he did care despite himself.

"You cold?" Jackie asked looking concerned. Tom looked at himself to see that he had tensed up even more than he thought he had, and his face felt warm from embarrassment.

"No, I'm fine. Don't worry about it," he replied trying to smooth over his own discomfort and the sudden awkwardness he felt. He exhaled slowly as if doing so would cause his nerves to dissipate.

Jackie seemed satisfied enough with that response and turned her attention back to the TV, and the smile reappeared on her face. Tom bit his tongue and looked at the screen, but he was still unable to focus on the movie. _Who__ was __that__ character?__ What__'__s__ the __plot __again?_ Still, he could not keep himself from thinking about the woman beside him and all that she said even when she didn't speak. Tom didn't need people to say anything for him to be able to read them. He'd watched them enough.

He knew he was causing her this sadness, this loneliness even if she was too stubborn to admit it. Or maybe she was just too nice, but it didn't mean she was feeling any less. He knew he could make it stop too, this loneliness, and that only made the guilt sharper and harder to ignore. He did share her feelings. The caring and the yearning. He felt it just as deep down as she did if not deeper (_I __feel __too__ much __for__ my __own __good_), and he felt ashamed of himself for keeping it locked away for so long and depriving another person of it who he knew cared for him in a way he knew very few people did. _Very,__very,__few._

Keeping such a thing locked away because of a foolish fear was not right. It couldn't be right. Holding it in and neglecting it made him just as bad as those assholes that had ignored him. _I__ can__'__t__ be __that__ bad __can __I?_ Just as vile as the people he'd come to loathe over the years. No, he would not be one of those people. He wouldn't be one of them. He would not allow it to happen.

Carefully, Tom scooted closer to Jackie who made no indication to suggest she noticed a thing, not even a flicker of acknowledgment in her eyes. However, one more scoot in and the woman leaned back into him. Reclining into the curve of his body reflexively, and the sudden warmth caused Tom to suck in a sharp breath of air in surprise. _Calm __down!__She__ just__ moved._ Still, Jackie did not notice as she laughed at some obvious joke coming from the film. Tom waited a few more moments before letting himself relax fully, and as he did so, so did the woman against him. Moving with him without even trying. Tom opened his mouth to speak, but his words were stubborn and confused and got turned around inside him, so he didn't make a sound. His tongue pressed itself to the roof of his mouth, and it felt as dry as a bone and thick. He couldn't even remember what it was he wanted to say. What could he say anyway?

Jackie adjusted herself upon him, and Tom could smell her soft scent of lilacs, and the fragrance put him into a mild stupor, and he felt his mind get even fuzzier. _Women__ make__ me __feel __so __weird._It was just as strong a feeling as when he watched her smile and listened to her laugh. His mind was still spinning round and round, but he knew that he had to be brave. He knew he had to do something. Anything to make this feeling go away or at least diminish it. To give some kind of sign. Something to make the ache go away not just for him but also for her.

Slowly he brought his face close to hers and placed a light kiss on her cheek, (_Isn__'__t__ this__ what__ people__ do __in__ this__ situation?_), and the world seemed to freeze. The TV suddenly became far away; the voices of the actors sounded distant, and the light that reflected in Jackie's eyes appeared to be even brighter as she turned and looked at Tom in disbelief. Her eyes went wide and confused but not fearful, but Tom still felt like a complete fool. What had he just tried to prove? What was the point of that?

"Jackie…" his voice trailed off as he realized that his plan went no further than that small kiss. It was the most intimate he'd been with her let alone anyone in the longest time, and his nerves were telling him that he'd blown it. Big time. Still, it didn't mean he couldn't try to salvage the moment. Make the awkwardness pass quickly. "I don't know what that was. I mean…I know what it was. I just…you know…wanted to show you that I…that I…thanks…" Embarrassed by his clumsy words, Tom turned his eye to the ground, self-consciousness running rampant in his mind.

However, he wasn't looking down long when a hand reached over and lifted his face back up again and he found himself being searched by soft, hazel, eyes. He felt exposed and weak under the scrutinizing gaze. He always had, but this time her stare was different. He couldn't quite put his finger on what it was exactly. Maybe it felt less judging?

He hates her. Hates her for toying with him and not even knowing it. He hates it, but it makes his heart flutter all the more. A stomach full of rabid butterflies.

Jackie's lips parted slightly as if she was to say something, and Tom braced himself for the rejection and the scorn. The humiliation that he was sure was immanent (_She__ has __every__ right __to __think __I__'__m __a__ psycho. __I__ am.__ She __has__ every__ right__ to __be__ mad__ at __me __for __that.__What__ was__ I__ trying__ to__ accomplish?_), but she didn't speak. Gingerly she brushed a wisp of black hair from his forehead back in place before trailing her fingers down the side of his face, behind his ear, along his jaw line, and finally stopping at his chin.

She smiled, and Tom felt his heart start to pound, but in a different way than it had in the past. He could hear it as well as feel it in his ears as Jackie stared back at him with her even gaze. Finally, she leaned in until Tom could feel her heat, her warmth, and she pulled him into a kiss. A real one. Not just a quick, nervous, peck on the cheek, but a real kiss. Deep and passionate. Tom felt his heart skip a beat, and he was walking on air. Rejection? Not by a long shot.

And he had absolutely no idea what to do with it.

Tom could have stayed in that moment forever. Reveled in its sincerity and spontaneity, but suddenly there was something new as Jackie pressed herself up close to him, her chest against his. He could have sworn he felt her heartbeat, and he pulled away, suddenly realizing what had just happened.

_What am I doing?_

"Is something the matter?" The tone of Jackie's voice made Tom want to curl up and die while making him want to pull her close once more. "I thought…I thought this was what you wanted. You kissed me, and I assumed…oh, God, Tom…I'm sorry."

"No, no…it's nothing like that," Tom assured her, forcing words out through the lump that had formed in his throat. "It's just…you don't deserve someone like me. I'm a freak, and here I am trying to pass myself off as normal. I'm not normal, Jackie. I shouldn't even try."

Jackie's eyes were questioning for a few seconds before they softened in understanding. "You shouldn't say that. You're not a freak. Don't believe what the world says. If you're a freak so am I."

"Don't say that," he almost whimpered. "You're not a freak, and don't give me that cliché nonsense. Don't compare yourself to me. No one should be compared to be unless they're a complete fuck up. You're not a fuck up."

Jackie reached out her hand once more, but as it brushed his face, but Tom did not feel comforted, and he drew back. Jackie frowned, but moved her hand down until her palm rested on the center of his chest. "You know what I feel? A heartbeat. You're alive Tom, but you're living your life like a dead man, and that's just crazy." Tom couldn't look at her and he turned to look at the back of the couch. "Trust yourself. Trust me. That's all I ask," Jackie continued without missing a beat. Leaving her hand upon his chest, she reached down and grabbed his hand and placed it between her breasts in the same spot where her hand resided on his chest. "I know you feel that. Don't you lie to me. A heartbeat just like yours, right?" Tom grit his teeth and didn't say a word. _I__'__m__ not__ listening.__ I__'__m__ not__ listening._ "I'm trying to live my life and make it worth something. You need this. I need this. We both need this, whatever it is."

Her heartbeat wasn't the only thing Tom felt as his hand rested upon the woman's chest. A tingling warmth crept along his spine like an old, half-forgotten, memory. _Living__ my __life __like __a __dead__ man_…he didn't want to do that, but he didn't know what to do to fix it. "Jackie…" his voice was soft and pleading as he turned to face her once more, warily. "Are you sure?" Jackie nodded. "You sure you want me?" Again she nodded, but Tom still felt his stomach squeezing itself and nervous nausea in the pit of his gut. This wasn't right. This couldn't be right. The world had already shown him that no one wanted him like this…she had to have been lying.

"I do. Trust me," she repeated reassuringly as if able to read the man's thoughts.

"I don't know what to do…" Tom admitted, unable to catch himself before the words came out of his mouth.

"Just follow me." Moving back, Jackie removed the shirt she was wearing and indicated for Tom to do the same. _No__way.__You__ make__ it__ look__ so__ easy.__ It__'__s__ really __not__ you __know._ He shook his head, eye wide and reluctant so Jackie did it for him, at least partially, as she unbuttoned his shirt, exposing pale flesh and a lean frame; which she felt could tell the story of Tom's existence. Wiry, uncertain, ready to fight or run away at a moments notice. Of his own accord, Tom moved his hands to Jackie's waist and moved close to her yet again, kissing her gently. Uneasy was just one of a few of the words that popped into his mind.

Breaking away briefly from the kiss, Jackie couldn't help but smile and place her hands on the man's chest. "Now, that's more like it. See? It's not so hard?" _You__ wanna__ bet?_

Tom was watching her again. Uncertain and questioning like a dog waiting for approval from its master. _So,__ what__ now?_ Smiling, Jackie planted a kiss on his cheek as he had done to her not long before and then moved her head to place a gentle kiss upon his heart. She stifled a small giggle as she felt it beat faster.

_That's not funny. I'm nervous._

This seemed to kick-start his mind (_But __if __you __insist__…_), and Tom's hands moved up her back until they rested just below her bra, and his face got suddenly red and his expression told of his frustration. Jackie wondered for a minute what the face was for before she realized what was up.

"Oh, oops," she laughed softly. "Clasp is in the front for this bra. Probably should've told you that," she continued, removing it carefully, biting her lip to keep from laughing more at herself.

"That would have been nice," Tom nodded, but he was clearly distracted. _This __is __happening. __Those __are __real.__ If__ this__ is __a__ dream,__ so __help __me__…_ "I uh…so those are…can I touch them?" Tom asked, composure completely lost. He sounded like one of those kids on field trips that just had to touch _every __last__ thing_. Jackie couldn't contain her laughter this time, and it came out loud and clear. Tom made a half hurt face, but even he grinned a little too, realizing his own ridiculousness.

"I'd be offended if you didn't want to." As she said that Tom tentatively moved his hands from her back, though never removing his hands from her, to her chest. Jackie jumped a little and briefly made a face of discomfort. _Oh,__shit.__Sorry._ The cold of his hands on her back hadn't bothered her, but it felt much different on the more sensitive area of her body. However, Tom's hands warmed up quickly enough as he explored her with genuine curiosity. It was almost child-like. She released a small moan of pleasure as the exploring turned more into caressing, and she kissed Tom once more with the passion of their earlier kiss.

_I guess that means I'm doing a good job?_

Hands roamed and explored, poked and prodded clumsily, mostly the clumsy was on Tom's part. Hands pulled at clothing, begging for it to be removed, and kisses landed here and there. On the lips, the chin, neck, collarbone, chest…wherever a bare piece of flesh exposed itself.

Flesh against flesh as each inspected the other, moving with and against each other sometimes with positive results and other times with less than enjoyable results.

_Ow, __jeez__…__ok,__ not __doing__ that__ again._

Tom's nervousness seemed to melt away as instinct and passion took over his mind though his actions were still a bit rough as he tried them out for the first time. Experimenting. Moans and groans, grunts even, occasionally escaped above the sound kissing and the noise of the material of the couch as it was rubbed against, and breaths became heavier, almost pleading. Eloquence was currently not on the list of biggest concerns.

Somewhere in the moment the rest of the pair's clothes had been removed and they lay together now, stomach to stomach, Tom bracing himself just above this woman whom he knew now more than ever that he felt something for. He didn't have an exact word for it in that vocabulary of his, but he knew he liked it. _Of __course__ now __I__ can__'__t__ think__ of__ anything __to __say._ It was a different attraction than what he had felt before, and he felt guilty still for not having realized it. _I __must__ be__ some__ kind__ of __stupid._

"You still sure about this?" he asked breathily as he kissed Jackie's shoulder, his heart beating like it was trying to burst out of his chest. Trying to escape. He ground his hips against hers though this time with more caution, aware of his now stiffening shaft, he'd only just barely been able to hold himself back from sheer nerves and will power. _Oh __my __fucking __god__…__this __is __happening. __How__'__d __I__ swing__ this__ one? _Jackie nodded, and moved one hand down to Tom's crotch, gently rubbing the member, making Tom's face go red with pleasure and what she figured must have still been some anxiety.

"Do you still trust me?" she asked as she brought her hand to rest at the base.

"Implicitly…" Tom replied using one of those SAT words he enjoyed saying. His face seemed confused on what emotion to express, but as Jackie watched him she could see nothing but longing in that bright blue eye of his. A nervous kind of eager. She wondered for a moment if his expression would feel the same if he had both of his eyes, and she silently cursed that woman for taking it from him and a bit for taking it from her. A selfish thought, yes, but understandable nonetheless.

"Good," Jackie nodded as she spread her legs open more so than they already were. Carefully she guided him inside of her, and she gasped at the penetration as the feeling of being invaded in such a way had always hurt a little bit for her, though not in a particularly bad way. Having one's insides suddenly forced into was just…quite frankly interesting. Tom too had a look of surprise on his face, no doubt a little shocked by the new feeling and the warmth the now coursed through his cock. _Oh__ wow__… _However, his surprise faded away as he drew himself out of Jackie slightly before jerking himself back in a little awkwardly, and painfully, still unsure of himself.

"You ok? You made a face…did I do something wrong? Shit…"

"Tom, just calm down."

"Sorry…"

"You don't have to keep apologizing."

"I know…sorry, I just…never mind."

Jackie rolled her eyes, feeling somewhere in between amused and annoyed as she reminded herself that he was trying. Successfully or otherwise.

Tom moved his hips forward again hesitantly before continuing. Jackie moaned as pain gave way to an interesting pleasure as Tom figured out a rhythm of moving his hips as well as enjoying this new feeling that grew within him as Jackie's area squeezed and pulled at him as he thrust in and out.

Jackie moved her hips along with his as he found a comfortable beat, moving herself toward him and bracing herself by gripping his back. She felt half bad for digging her nails into him, but he didn't even seem to notice. She couldn't help but find it interesting given how much he usually complained about his back. The kisses between them became sporadic in their passion, swept up by moans, grunts, and Jackie could have sworn she heard Tom growl. Had she not been busy with other emotions she might have thought it funny or cute, but with each pound into her the woman's mind would swim as warmth began to build up and build up inside her and mixed with the discomfort and what was left of the pain.

"Oh god…" she gasped as Tom thrust once more a little rougher than before, digging her nails deeper. It had been an uncomfortable feeling, but the high of it was outweighing the low for the time being. "Just…a little more," she added quickly in between uneven thrusts, her voice succumbing to involuntary groans, the feeling a muddied mix of pain and pleasure.

Tom grunted some sort of response, but as far as actual words he didn't have many. Jackie couldn't blame him though. She hadn't exactly been the most eloquent her first time either. However, suddenly, Tom got a strange expression on his face. A drugged sort of cheerful, but behind it was a sudden panic as he pulled himself out, Jackie gasping unsure of what to make of the situation and more than a bit annoyed. She soon found out as she watched Tom cum, all over the nice couch too, his face contorted in half proud disgust.

"Ah, shit…" he grumbled looking suddenly defeated, pushing himself up into a kind of sitting position. "I'm sorry…I got nervous. And I…I couldn't help it. On your couch too. Fuck…sorry, I…Jesus…I'm sorry I did that. You were so-"

"Shh…" Jackie cooed bringing her finger to Tom's lips and hushing him almost instantly, pushing away her annoyance as she heard Tom's explanation. "It's ok. Really," she continued reassuringly. "Not everyone gets it their first time." This didn't seem to make Tom feel better. In fact he looked worse. Hurt, like it had been some kind of personal attack. Jackie frowned and moved her hand to his cheek, gently stroking it, which appeared to calm him down some. "I didn't mean anything by it. You know that."

"I know, I know…" Tom sighed, his expression perking up from forlorn to indifferent. It was almost disturbing that that could be an improvement to his mood. "I just…wanted to do better…for you. You're just…amazing, you put up with my shit, and I wanted to show you, and I blew it. I messed up. I'm sorry," he continued, talking himself in circles with self-doubt.

"Don't beat yourself up about it. We could always try again," Jackie smiled genuinely; hand still on Tom's cheek affectionately. "Not tonight if you don't want to." Tom shook his head, sighing a little like someone out of those overly dramatic, dense, novels he read. "But there will be other nights. Maybe even days. We'll get it. You'll see." She leaned forward and kissed his forehead to try and soothe the man further, and it seemed to work as the tension that had occurred suddenly in his body gave way to an awkward half slouch.

Slowly he eased himself down beside her, lying on his side, pressed up against the back of the couch so as to give the woman plenty of room. Jackie too rolled over onto her side to watch him, and as she got comfortable, strong arms wrapped around her as Tom snuggled up to her, his head resting on her chest. Jackie smiled, enjoying the warmth and resting her chin lightly atop his head. She didn't know how long they laid there, and she had started to drift off into sleep when Tom's voice broke the silence, as the movie had since ended. It was whispered in the undeniable layer of sleep that held him, and his anxiousness had gone away so he spoke calmly.

"Thank you…"

"For what?"

"For this. Don't tell me not to thank you. It's just nice…"

"What is?"

"This is…whatever this is. I feel human again. I feel right again. I don't know if it will last. I don't even know if I'll wake up feeling how I do now so I wanted to tell you. I can feel it…my humanity is still here. It's not gone forever."

"No one said it was gone forever, Tom."

"I did. So did the doctors, but you didn't. And you know what? I'm glad you didn't because for the first time in much too long I feel like me again. That's what I'm thanking you for. Thank you."

Jackie didn't know quite what to say but closed her eyes and buried her face lightly into his hair. She didn't understand completely what Tom was getting at, but she knew it was important to him, and that comforted her as she lay there, breathing deeply and letting the moment wash over her.

"No problem."

Tom's breathing slowed as he finally drifted off into sleep, mind no doubt filled with what had just happened as brief as it had been, and Jackie smiled as she felt him finally, truly, and completely at ease. Not long after Tom fell asleep she too faded into pleasant dreams.


End file.
